Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Two years! I've tucked this blog away for two years while I was busy living. Think about where YOU were two years ago. It's different, yeah? Well, a lot has changed in my two years as well. I would have remembered all of the big changes if I would have blogged better...
So here's to trying... again.
First things first- I'm engaged! Yes. It's true. I know. I know! You all don't know this lady, but if you did you would love her. She's everything I always thought I wanted in a partner and so much more. I'll probably have some gushy love post about her later, but she's not your fiance, so you probably don't want to hear the many ways I love her.

What else is new? My brother and I are starting a business together! Which is awesome. We have a shop set up and my creative juices are flowing for the first time in a while and it feels great. Look for new designs in time for the holiday season. I have some more news but I'll drop it into later posts because, gang, I'm gonna blog my head off. I like talking and sharing my stories. I like hearing your stories. People often feel so alone with their experiences when, in fact, someone else has already gone through what we are going through. In the end we all survive. There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can know that isn't known. Nothing you can see that isn't shown. Thanks for sticking around, gang. Do you wanna know what brought me back?

This picture of my hero made me remember this place. Made me remember why I started this blog. Not as a pitiful way of bitching about the women who came in and out of my life (womp womp) but rather to PRAISE the beautiful, intelligent, fascinating women who sum up why we love WOMEN!

Alas, I have a hair appointment to run to (gotta keep the bieb in check). I'll leave you with my lady and I's favorite new (new in the sense that it came out in the last two years) character we hope to see much much more of:

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I just realized something...

A few years ago, I went through my first collegiate breakdown. Not really a breakdown. Let's be honest here. We live in the year 2011. Very few people are given the chance to see me cry. I typically save my drama for the home as I think many people do. We're so guarded and we carry so much on our beautiful lady shoulders. We're afraid to ask for help. Afraid to take chances. Afraid to let go of whatever we have so we can't move on. At least all of these things ring true for me.

Let me go back.

My first collegiate breakdown. Have you ever been inside your own head until you realize you haven't spoke for hours? I was getting kicked out of the sorority I had been a member of for 3 years. And my best friend was the one spearheading the whole thing. The whole time this was happening I couldn't let go of our friendship. Not until the very end. Two days after my 21st birthday I was kicked out. When she told me that my membership was terminated...that pageant girl cried... and I told her it was okay. Even after she stood up in front of my sorority and tried to convince them to to vote for my termination. Even now, sometimes I think of calling her to see how she is. See if she's okay. I have to stop myself and remind myself that it's not good. Never trust a pageant girl! Even before I was kicked out our friendship had died. I remember car rides of solid silence. Not a word. Not in an angry way. Just in an "I don't know who you are anymore" kind of way. All very dramatic right. Real dramatic. WICKED dramatic right?!?! Just call me El.

Anyways my sorority sisters/friends had my back and voted to NOT KICK ME OUT! Hooray! But wait, didn't I get kicked out? Indeed! Old sorority ladies got together somewhere in the U.S. and looked at "my file". They decided termination was best the way to go. Apparently, shenanigans on other sororities and the university student body president, and showing up drunk to a dance are not acceptable. I always wanted to be kicked out of somewhere, but for some reason I always imagined it being a WalMart.

So now you know why I was at the therapist freaking out. I lost every friend I knew, including my best friend. After all this he told me I needed to "find a support system". Yeah. Okay. Basically, I ended up hiding out in my house for a year afraid to even attempt to make a new friend. I knew damn near everyone in the Greek system. When you know that many people it seems like you know everyone and I was kicked off Greek island.

I started the blog as a way of coming out. I started my twitter as a way to voice my every thought without a care in the world. I share with all of you what I was afraid to share with everyone I personally knew. I wanted to enjoy everything without the opinions I didn't need. I wanted to make this as positive an experience as it could be.

As it turns out, something else happened when I did those things! I found a new island. I found a big gay lesbian support system island. I found a beautiful island where we can get together, because we are together, without being together? Sounds about right.

My point is this, I find that no matter how alone I think I am in something, every time I share something with you gang, you have a similar experience/feeling/point of view. It's comforting to know you're not alone in something, isn't it? It's comforting to know that someone else has had a similar experience and made it through.

You guys are MY support group.

I can tell you anything! You can tell me anything! I love hearing from you guys. Every time I hear from you, I get to know you a little more. Every time I hear from one of you guys it makes me makes me want to DO something amazing! Instant motivation. Seriously.

Big Gay Lesbian Support System on Motivation Island!

I was lost, but now I'm on the island. I'm moving forward. You guys helped me see that I don't need to find a path. I need to make a path for myself. I need to forget about what everyone else is doing or what has happened in the past. I need to keep on going and be positive because I'm not alone! You're coming with me, right gang? You'll get to read about my adventure on my new path! Otherwise, I'm just typing into nothingness and that's depressing and I would never do something like that.

I know you guys are reading this. I want to hear from you. I want to know something about you. It was you guys that motivated me to do this whole shirt thing to begin with and I want to thank you! Sincerely. I wish I could make a shirt for all of you. A way that I can thank each and every one of you!

Then I got an idea from gangs motivation!

I could put all of my twitter followers on a shirt! I could! I'm gonna do that! But wait! Maybe (just like how not everyone loves kittens. I know. I know. I didn't believe it either) someone might not want their twitter name on a shirt. I don't know why they wouldn't. Maybe...I dunno...I really can't think of why someone wouldn't want their twitter name on shirt. I mean...there's a bit of a chance it might be kinda gay...cause I'm gay...and I make LGBT friendly shirts. I'm not saying it's gonna be gay. It might. Probably. A bit. I mean. Most of my followers are LGBT...and it's gonna be made out of their twitter

You do know this is a lesbian blog. Don't you?

Moving on. You should let me thank you by allowing me to use your twitter name in my next T shirt design!

That's a great choice! Your name is gonna be on a shirt my friend! Jump on over to twitter and let me know that you wanna be on my awesome shirt! Also, if you want to tell me something about yourself you should! Anything you want to say, anytime, I'll hear it! PLUS, I'll probably give my *cleverest shout back.



You should give me a shout anyway. I love to meet new people! Especially ones that like me.

I'll keep you posted on the shirt! I'm excited to see how it turns out!
I hope you can dig it!

*not all responses will be clever but all will be pleasant

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Thank me later

So... I’m writing this on 3 jager bombs and a couple bourbon dr. peppers (ps. everyone always thinks this is a surprising drink combination. But really? If you like dr. pepper and don’t like coke, why would you NOT ask for dr. pepper? Every bar I go to, the bar tender always claims I’m the only one who orders those. So do it to it.).

My friend (straight sorority friend) told me (with a hint of judgment) that I should “take a break” from the bars. Now, I’m not a drinker, gang. In fact, anyone I know would tell you that I’d rather puff than drink. I don’t like beer. I don’t like alcohol as a beverage choice. If I drink—it’s to get drunk. HOWEVER I rarely get drunk. I digress. So, she thinks I should take a break from the bars.

At first I was a little offended by this. I thought she was calling me an alcoholic or something. When I first came out I depended a lot on the gay bars just to meet some new people. Now, I have a good group of friends and we branch out every now and then but we still find ourselves, week after week, at the gay bars.

I tried to explain to my friend that it’s the ONLY place I KNOW there will be gay people—or “Designated gay zone”. I said ,“Maybe if there were gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, I WOULD go to other places.” I don’t think straight people can understand. Every time I go to a straight bar I feel like I’m at a bus stop--just sitting waiting to go somewhere else. At this point I HATE being in a room of straight men. It drives me insane. Men either scare me or annoy the shit out of me, with the exception of my gay boys. I can’t stand the machismo of it all. Disgusting.

This is not to say that I hate the company of straight people. Although, ladies, let me just speak for every lesbian out there when I say WE HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE ABOUT ANYONES WEDDING. At my last birthday I invited all of my friends out and all of my straight friends sat around talking about one of our mutual friends wedding plans.

So what do we do? What DO we do? I’m getting tired of the gay bars, gang—same faces different night. In the past month I’ve had 5 of my regular friends move away or inform me that they’ll be moving by the end of the summer. That means THIS girl is in the market for new friends.

Trying to find a lesbian is challenging. Unless she tells you she’s a lesbian or looks like a lesbian, you’re shit out of luck. The day I came out to myself I was wishing lesbians wore T-shirts that said “LESBIAN”. I’ve always hung out with older women. I find the conversation more stimulating plus I like to learn from people and I figure woman of a certain age have to have some sort of knowledge in ‘em. I always say that I’m looking for the secret lesbian cave where all the lady lovers hang out but are never seen. All of my older lady friends say, “I’m still looking for it too.”

Fuck that, ladies! I’m tired of searching for something that doesn’t exist. There might not be gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, but there has to be an easier way to meet women! I’m going to start making “lady friendly” T shirts. That’s right! Finally, there will be a way to spot a lesbian from a distance! If she’s wearing one of my T’s, she’s down. Get ready, gang, cause it’s about to get… awesome.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Dear Diary blog thingmajig,

It’s been a year since I last wrote you, and for that I truly am sorry. Consistency has never been a friend of mine. A year is a long ass time. Really. I’ve tried to remember everything that I’ve done during that time and it’s not happening. I will promise you this, blog… I am NO 40-something year old man pretending to be a lesbian! I enjoyed the anonymity of blogging when I first started it. I didn’t want anyone from my world finding out it was me. I’ve tried to make myself sound older, or wiser, but now I don’t care. Everyone who knows me knows I’m gay. If you like what I have to say, or how I say it, then it shouldn’t matter how old I am, or where I’m at in my life (as long as I’m actually a lesbian). So, now blog, I’m going to be honest blossom with you. I don’t really know how to prove it to you, but why would I make this shit up?

My Story

I started this blog as a way to express the gay Denae (that’s me). I had just come out to myself, not even to my family yet, but I was yearning to wave my flag. In the past year I’ve come out to everyone. I came out to both of my parents who both said they had figured it out back when I had that “interesting friendship” with my gym teacher. I came out to my catholic grandparents at Thanksgiving. I probably should have picked a better line than “I have something EXCITING to tell you!”…at a better time than 6 in the morning while they were both in their bathrobes… and the coffee was still brewin. Alas, everyone still loved me! Facebook knows I’m gay, and if twitter hasn’t figured out I’m gay… well… I mean, really?!

Once I had come out in real life, I jumped off of the computer and left you behind, blog. I had to meet women! I HAD to! It was all I could think about! I knew there was a gay bar or 3 in town and I was ready to introduce them to ME. My straight friends were so supportive of me (or intrigued enough) that they wanted to take me to the gay bars to celebrate my new lesbian-ness. We even went to a LADIES night! I was amped! Unfortunately, the night was a total bust. There were less than 30 women there, 7 of which were in my party of straight girls. The rest were in their… well… not my age (23), and my friends took the liberty of telling the MC that it was my “coming out party”. Oho. That was fun and not embarrassing at all.

After I got home, I cried while wondering what I got myself into. Is this what my future was? Growing old in denim and flannel, succumbing to the mullet, and spending my nights in a less than busy bar on the outskirts of town? I suppose you would call that a “forever alone” moment.

BUT I dried those tears, blog. I made my first lesbian friend, Liz (because of course). Liz and I met online. (Side note: If you aren’t online dating at the moment and you’re wanting to meet women, JUMP ON IT! Online dating for the LGBT community is a gift. Unless a woman tells you she’s a lesbian, or LOOKS like a lesbian, we’re all left staring into our drinks or harassing straight women. Do us ALL a favor, and make a profile, even if it only be for friend finding. YOU KNOW your circle could use some fresh air.)
Liz and I weren’t attracted to each other. We were just glad we could find normal people online, plus we laughed a lot together so we decided to stay friends. One night I met her for a drink after work and we ended up closing the bar down with 20 brand new friends. They became our regular group and summer was SUPER gay. Too gay to remember.

In the fall I took the first ever LGBT class offered at my college. Our professor was bisexual (heavy on the women), and the class was something like 95% gay, which meant that class was a HOOT. It felt like a gay bar, for serious. In fact, the last day of class was held IN a gay bar. Fantastic. I met some incredible people, including my best friend (@homoontherange), and others who shared some of their most personal stories with the class. I’ll remember that forever.

One girl stands out. She went to high school at the same time I did on the other side of town. Once the administrative staff at her high school found out she was gay they tried to have her transferred to a facility for persons with mental disorders and even had her evaluated by the facility. The facility informed the high school that homosexuality was not a mental disorder; therefore they would NOT be admitting this girl. The school then countered by placing her in special education until she graduated. This was happening round about 2003.

When she told her story I cried. I had been thinking that I had missed out on being gay in high school. All of those teenage girls! Then, I started thinking of all those times I got sent to the principals’ office in high school--all of the slaps on my wrist. I wondered if, had I been gay, I would have been labeled as a “troubled teen”?

This was around the time when “It Gets Better” videos started appearing. It’s also when one of my friends I met over the summer committed suicide. Kerry was beautiful- more than beautiful. When she walked in it was instantly easier to breathe. She always arrived with an entourage. She always had a smile on her face, and I’m not just saying that. I had asked her maybe 2 weeks before she died why she was always smiling. She told me, “I never want to be the one who brings people down.” Sad. I don’t think we’ll ever really know WHY she did it. It’s hard for me to imagine the happiest person I knew being the most damaged.

A few months after Kerry died I started seeing a therapist at my University. Figured I’d take advantage of the cheap sessions, plus my therapist looked like a Barbie doll and was hilarious. She’d say funny things like she was going to check out my ex on facebook after I left. Plus she let me call her “Therapist” instead of her name, like “Scientist” in “Half Baked”. Unfortunately the university therapists are only around for like a semester or something so she moved away... the same week I got dumped by the first woman I liked after coming out in this godforsaken town. An exhausting devil woman--the kind of woman that banters--an educated woman… a professor. She did her damage. That debacle lasted for too long considering it wasn’t worth it. Nothing like a woman 10 years your senior defriending you on facebook… but I digress. I asked Therapist if there was another therapist she recommended, and she told me “We had a connection and it was fun. You were my favorite! But you don’t need therapy. You DO need to go to Career Services.”

REAL time! I’m currently… sort of… kind of… failing out of college at the moment, blog. I have no idea what to do with my life, and after 4 years of college, and 3 professors trying to jump on this… I’m not any closer. So I listened to Therapist, and went to Career Services at the University. I didn’t know what they did there so I plainly said, “I don’t know what I’m here to do, but I’m here to do it.” They gave me some aptitude tests, which came to the conclusion that my number one skill was SOCIAL. I didn’t even know that social was a "skill".

All of my life I had been told to be quiet, more reserved, more “lady like”. HELL I even had to sit by myself in chapel because I “distracted the other kids from worshiping.” But THIS was what my career adviser had to say:

“I don’t typically tell people this…but maybe you shouldn’t go to college.”

This is where I would have crapped my pants, but before I could, it got better:

“Have you ever thought about becoming an entertainer?”

she asked while a tear came rolling down my cheek from the laughter I was stifling. Was my career adviser telling me to drop out and become and entertainer? Surely not... BUT SHE DID!

I’m doing my best here, blog. I’ve sought guidance, I even ask strangers for advice, but nobody knows. I have no idea where my life is going, or what (if anything) I SHOULD be doing. But dammit! I’m here! It will get better. The least I can do is live and see what time brings my way. I know time took me away from you, blog, but I’m back! I’M BACK! … to entertain you.

I'll leave with you with Kerry Lynns last message to everyone

Thursday, July 15, 2010

So You Think You Can-Damn! Nice Ass!

If you aren't watching SYTYCD you are missing out. I promise. Just to prove it to you, here's three BIG ASS reasons why you should be watching:

Lauren Froderman

I picked her as my favorite during the auditions for the SYTYCD:

I knew I wasn't wrong. She's a pocketsized ball of adorkableness that I look forward to seeing every week, but this week she had my jaw on the floor. Laurens best assets is the number one reason you should be watching. Check it out:

Allison Holken

I never saw Allison dance in Season 2 but she's returned to be an All Star for season 7. I look forward to seeing her more than any of the other dancers, including Lauren. When she dances, she lives it:

Allison, has something... Maybe its her hair? Maybe its her overall fitness? Maybe the girl is just bangin'? You decide:

Making fun of Cat Deeley
My week just isn't the same without getting to make fun of Cat Deeley. Yeah, girl, I know its live TV- I'll give you that. However...her wadrobe is totally fair game, including hair and makeup. Cat Deeley is always doing or saying something wonky too.

Dates have been announced! So get your boxes of franzia ready and look here for the closest stop near you. Hang around after the show to get pictures with each of the dancers. You'll be surprised at how short everybody is. For real.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Back on top in June. Thats life.

Its June! Otherwise known as LGBT Pride Month. I've been wondering what LGBT pride month means to me.

First, how did I feel about homosexuality before I knew I was a lesbian? I never thought about being gay. Every time I even thought about the term "gay" I would immediately think of something else. I didn't want to have the thought in my head even for a minute, let alone relate to it. I assumed once you decided you were queer, you switched teams. If you were a woman before, you became a man and vice versa. I didn't want to be a man. I was manly enough! Every time I tried to do something girly it was almost laughable. I tried carrying a purse in high school and never heard the end of it. Being girly was just something that I felt like I never figured out. I felt like I missed the day we learned that in school. Ironically, when I admitted to myself that I was gay, I had never felt more like a woman.

I'm a lesbian. I AM A LESBIAN, and up until I knew I was a lesbian I was wrong about lesbians. How can straight people know any better? By talking about it! Thats what LGBT pride month is to me. It's a time to say "I'm gay" but to follow that up with a little info. I told both of my parents how I felt like a woman when I came out, and they both didn't really know what to say to that. It doesn't matter if they can make a conversation out of it. I just wanted to give them some insight into what I experienced. I thought all lesbians were manly, definitely not feminine. Is it wrong for me to think they might have the same thoughts? Surely my insight is better than the information they've been getting from...? No where!

I was the PE teachers assistant in high school (shocker). I sat through four years of public school sexual education and not once did they discuss homosexuality. Keeping homosexuality on the down low does nothing but create and spread fear of "the unknown". Think of all that fear thats keeps LGBT people locked up in themselves. It breaks my heart to know that the part of me that makes me the happiest, is the part that gets ignored by kids, parents, educators, and politicians who are afraid of what THEY THINK it means. Based on our history of keeping homo on the down low, I'm assuming their notions are the same notions passed down from their grandfather, and his grandfather before him.

LGBT pride month, for me, is a time to be vocal. Listen, I know lesbians have pride, don't just say you're proud- tell them why!

Here are 5 reasons I'm proud to be a lesbian!

This should be enough of a reason to be lesbian. Men are horrible at communicating. Women might communicate too much... Still, I'd rather be talking about the problem and working toward a solution then stuck at step one wondering what the problem even is. That is why I never leave an argument unresolved, if possible.

Confident women are the best women. Work those heels! Head up, honey! Get that promotion! Ace that test! Belt that song! Get scrappy! There's a look (and I know you've seen it) when you can tell that a woman means business. It usually involves the eyebrows.

Guys would be really pissed if they knew we actually had these. Pillow fights followed by wrestling, hair pulling, leg tangling, and kissing. We have it all.

I tried to think of a joke about how men define romance- but I guess that is the joke. Women are just better at it. We like to be romantic as much as we like to be romanced. It works out pretty nicely.

I never thought about my wedding until I came out. I always found a boyfriend and dumped them before two weeks had gone by. I went long periods without dating and I was perfectly fine with it. Now, I think about my future wife and smile. I can't wait to meet her. I can't wait to dance with her, hold her tight, make her smile, and do everything she needs me to. I'm gonna be the best wife ever, ladies. *With the exception of my future wife*

Friday, April 23, 2010

Your Only Granddaughter is a Lesbian

Hello friends and lovers. My extra special blog has gotten over 1,000 views since its inception, and I thank you for that. I also apologize for not doing a very good job at blogging. I realized that I don’t really have a specific thing to blog about. I’m not the most up to date, when it comes to the breaking lesbian news. I’m just writing about whatever happens to be on my mind lately. That being said, not much has been happening my life.

I’m still coming out to people as I come across them. I’m no veteran lesbian. It seems like there is no end to coming out. There is always someone who isn’t on the up and up- kind of like my grandmother. Bless her heart, I still haven’t told her. She lives in Nebraska where I was born and partially raised. Maybe its because the only nugget of wisdom she ever gave me (and repeatedly) was “Marry a rich man.” She is always telling me that my grandfather is the worried one, because “Lonely girls, get in trouble.” I’ll tell them, probably some day soon… If only I could slip a message into her fortune cookie: “Your only granddaughter is a lesbian.”

I’m headed to see them this weekend with my older brother. I’m lucky enough to have a fairly understanding family. This is where my mom would laugh. We are understanding- in that way that all “flaws” are fair game. There will be two lesbian talks with my grandmother: the one I have with her, and the one she has with my mother. I don’t know why I’m kind of dreading it. My grandmother wont really react (she’ll wait till the phone call with my mother) and my grandfather will just make some kind of sound effect and go back to watching TV.

A sample from PostSecret. Deep.

Serious talks make me cry, and I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to have that deep breath-no regrets-just say it triathlon I have whenever I come out to some one I love. These aren’t those people you don’t give a shit about whether they approve of your choice or not. I’ve only seen my grandmother cry once, and I don’t know if seeing her cry again because of me is something I can handle. Then again, that no crying record could work in my favor.

I think what it comes down to is the wedding. I’m the only daughter and only granddaughter. It just so happens Favorite Granddaughter is the name of the horse my family is beating beyond its death. My grandmother has talked about making my wedding dress since I was a young tomboy. I think the irony of that is that I could get married. If enough parents, and grandparents, family and friends wanted to see me get married, I might be able to make Nebraska a democratic state. My mother said she just didn’t want me to have a difficult life. I just laughed. My mouth has been giving me a difficult life for a long time. I’m used to it. If she wants me to be seen as an equal, she can do something about it- just like all those times she had to come to the principals office.

I was sitting with my mother when she got a phone call and right away I knew it was one of those political surveys. She asked if they wanted to talk with me and she passed the phone over. “Do you know who you are going to vote for in the upcoming election?” No. “What party do you affiliate yourself with?” I’m a democrat. “What issue are you most concerned about? Abortion; immigration; gun control; health care; taxes…” She listed quite a few but I waited until she stopped talking. I asked her if that was all (maybe with a hint of sarcasm). “Well, is there an issue I haven’t mentioned you might prefer?” was her confused answer. I pictured her double checking her list. I told her that LGBT rights is what I'm concerned with. She told me that she would file that under “Other”. Offended isn’t the word. I was then wondering what “Other” concerns there were lumped in with my rights. I was going all Julia Sugarbaker on her ass in my head, but in real time I just sat in beyond awkward silence until “Other?” fell out of my mouth. She perked up and said “Yes, but you know? I think I’ll make a new category for that one!” Well, that went a lot easier than I thought it was going to. My “You should do that!” reply practically sounded like a go-team-go cheer for her. If I could have reached through the phone and gave that woman a gold star, I would have done it twice.

Dixie Carter, the one and only Julia Sugarbaker

I’m all about John Locke's motto: Don’t tell me what I can’t do. I’m also all about convincing people to do things. So if you made it past the extra special glimpse into my life, here is the business: Our representatives in government are flocking to twitter. Not a lot of people contact their representatives, and those that do probably assume whatever messages they send essentially end up in the trash. Just think of all that thought and consideration you once sent to one person can, now, still be sent to that person but seen by everyone else who follows you on twitter. You’re comments to your senator can be retweeted and spread farther than you could have imagined. Maybe you could just send your senator a friendly reminder everyday that you would like to get married soon. I’m basically saying harass the shit out of ‘em. That’s what twitter is here for. I’ve tried to make it a little easier for you all by creating a list of all the senators on twitter (or as many as I could find). You can find the list on my twitter page. My twitter is LesOutLoud, or you can click on the shortcut at the top of the page. The list is named senatewhores (get it? it sounds... like...). Please, don’t let the name turn you off, I had to come up with a name and I thought it was clever at the time. So check your @’s, direct messages and ReTweets, then when you’re done say “h-ey” to your representatives in government. Then, if you’re inspired, come out to your friends and family, and get them on twitter!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April Fools Bring April Showers

The funniest person I ever met was a classmate of mine. I went to a parochial school with Bible study, uniforms, and the works. She was from California, swore like a sailor, and had a laugh similar to that of Fran Drescher. Things were looking up, until I realized she was too funny.

How can someone be too funny? Well, it ends with a sweatshirt tied around your waist, and begins with laughing so hard you pee your pants. This girl was so funny she’d make me laugh until all of my laughter turned into shame. It only took the first couple times before I knew it was becoming a problem. I was afraid it would happen again, but I couldn't NOT talk to her- she was the funniest person I knew! Its a vicious cycle. You don’t hear about these things on Oprah but they happen. Everyday, I worried about it until she moved away at the end of the year. Finally, I could laugh freely again.

It is both a relief and a disappointment that I have yet to meet someone that funny since. Where is this headed? April Fools day is here! What better way to give a shout out to my favorite funny ladies than leading in with a story about peeing my pants? These are the women I would throw on a panty liner for- just in case.

Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler is my hero. If I made a list of people who inspire me, she would be on there twice with an asterisk. “Pawnee's library department is the most diabolical ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang. But instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy... and shushing.” *Leslie Knope

Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman is shameless and I love it.

Ellen Degeneres

Almost every time I watch Ellen I get choked up, but she makes me laugh more than cry. I love seeing her pranks. You have to give Ellen a nod for laughing, dancing, and making the world a little better everyday.

Madeline Kahn

Madeline Kahn next to Mel Brooks was the greatest contribution to Mel Brooks’ movies. “Its twoo! Its twoo!” I think of her as the original Kristin Chenoweth.

Jane Lynch

Watch any movie or show featuring Jane Lynch and you’re guaranteed a laugh. If for some reason you have yet to see her as Sue Sylvester in “GLEE”, don’t wait till the show returns on April 13th! You need to get on YouTube now.

Chelsea Handler

I was trying to save some cash and made the mistake of reading one of Chelsea Handlers books at the bookstore. The stories she tells are so funny I couldn’t contain my laughter. If the random spurts of laughter weren't embarrassing enough the death stares from my fellow readers were. If you haven’t read her books yet, I recommend you skip the death stares and go for the purchase. Whatever way you do it, READ HER BOOKS!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Birth Month

Forgive me friends. March is my birth month, and in the midst of evaluating my life (as is customary of birth month) I put off blogging. But March 21st is approaching and thus my birthday. Another year for the books, finished.

The first question is: How are things going? Hell, I’m alive! So, I’ve got that going for me. My birth month has led me to discover what some call a “quarter-life crisis”. I’m sure you curious 20-somethings are wondering what exactly the quarter-life crisis entails. Well don’t go running off to Wikipedia yet. Here are some “symptoms” of a quarter-life crisis:

-Realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless
-Insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
-Insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
-Re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
-Lack of friendships or romantic relationships
-Disappointment with one's job
-Boredom with social interactions
-Loss of closeness to high school and college friends
-Financially rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipated high cost of living, etc.)
-A sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

I'm pretty sure I fit the bill. All around me my friends are drifting off one at a time. Wedding invitations are slapping me in the face left and right, and when friends tell me they're pregnant it has become inappropriate to ask them “What are you going to do?”. Yes, growing up. I guess that’s what I call it. After reflecting on it I decided that all that shouldn’t bother me. I actually like the thought of there being someone out there that will someday be my wife. Everyday we wake up and live our lives without each other until some day under some strange circumstance, we’ll meet. That could be the first lesbian Disney movie, not counting "The Sound of Music". In other words, it'll happen when it happens.

Then there's the job part. I don’t have business or desk-job dreams and that kind of freaks everyone out. I’m a dreamer and I’ve been told that if I want those dreams I have got to get out of this place. Most of the people I know are content to take what they can get where they are, but I have high apply pie in the sky hopes. This might seem a bit like digression but it makes me think of “Man On Wire”. It is a documentary about the high-wire walker Philippe Petit and his quest to high-wire walk between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. Philippe tells the story of how he first got the idea to do it. He was 19 when he read a newspaper article about the not-yet-constructed Twin Towers, which was accompanied by a picture of what the tallest building in the world would look like upon completion. High-wire walking between the towers became his dream. Philippe Petit while retelling that story said it best:
“The object of my dream doesn’t exist yet.”

No it didn’t exist, but five years later it did. In 1974, six days before he turned 25, Philippe Petit spent 45 minutes walking, kneeling, and laying on the wire 1,368 feet in the air between the Twin Towers. He was arrested immediately after stepping off the wire.

I like this story because it makes my dream seem realistic. Honestly, who’s dream could be crazier than that? So instead of wondering whether or not I can do something, or whether or not it’s the acceptable thing to do, I’m going to keep moving forward. Settling is the worst thing I can do because of fear. Which is why I’m moving to a new state. Not only a new state, I’m moving across the country to Portland, Oregon. Well, I don’t want to stay here. I want to walk out my front door and see stuff happening. I’m nervous about it, and it will be a brand new start, but its Portland.

To make next years evaluation easier I’ve decided to make some goals. If I’m starting a new life, I might as well do it right.

1) Be more social. After all if I’m going to meet my wife, odds are I’ll have to leave my house.
2) Network. I like to think it’s all about who you know.
3) Say “Yes” and “No” with more thought.
4) Smile more. Insert some comment from my father about paying for braces here.
5) Be the leading lady in my life story.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Shout Out to Fit Women

I’m just going to be honest about it and tell you that the Olympics have officially taken over my life. I have no shame. I'll admit to watching something like (at least) 6 hours of coverage a day since the games began. I think I have officially spent more time watching the Olympics than sleeping. I’m even writing this while simultaneously catching up on figure skating. DVR is sometimes a curse.

I don’t feel bad about it. I’m AMERICAN. The Olympics is the greatest sporting event in the world. When an athlete goes down, it’s not a single athlete but an ENTIRE country. I cant count how many “Even the Russian judge is smiling!” jabs I’ve made in the past week. Seeing all the miniature flags on the screen, and waiting for the ol’ stars and stripes to start knockin’ ‘em down. Yelling at my TV as if someone besides my neighbors will hear me. I’m a yeller. Add that to the list of reasons why I shouldn’t attend the Olympics. That, and assuming I’d spend the whole trip looking for any women’s locker room are the main things keeping me from hopping the boarder for what Canada does best: Poutine.

Yes, I’m a yeller. Anyone who has a mother that can be heard distinctly from the outfield knows it’s not my fault. Being loud is sometimes a handicap, but luckily Twitter is handicap accessible. Twitter makes it possible for a couch critic like me to give my TV a break and tweet my shouts directly to your face, @catdeeley. I never thought about the Olympic athletes tweeting from the top of Whistler at the games, but they are!

One of my favorite Olympic tweeters is featured in of the many Olympic commercials. No, not one of those Morgan Freeman voice over VISA commercials that get to me every time. Maybe you too have seen it? The AT&T commercial featuring the GOR-geous American snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler. Am I the only one gets lost in that commercial? Not to mention Bleiler is…lets say captivating.

Don’t stare at her too long, you might go blind. Ooh that smile, girl! If you don’t know who she is, keep an eye out and remember that smile. Now, if you don’t know who Lindsey Vonn is you might be living under a rock. She has more coverage than Covergirl. If you’re a fan or you’ve happened to notice they’re both bangin fit you’ll be happy to know you can now holler @GretchenBleiler and @lindseyvonn on Twitter.

When it comes to making me proud to be an American, there’s also…the entire US Women’s Hockey Team. You might have seen them on Ellen. If you didn’t, just know that they really, really, really like Ellen. Why Ellen is still hosting her show and not enjoying locker room privileges is beyond me. If you are like me and wouldn’t turn down the chance to get physical with the US Hockey Team (or at least those Lamoureux twins) send your love through @AngelaRuggiero.

Ellen!? Lamoureux twins!

If you watch the gold medal game against Canada – you NEED to watch this game against Canada – you will see Ellen’s face flown by the American team upon winning. However it ends it will still be a great game. The kind of game I will be hoarse after. While fisticuffs aren’t aloud on the ice, this game is going to be intense and the two teams have had “scuffles” in the past.

Remember, if you cant be an athlete... be an athletic supporter. Shout your support (or subtle proposition followed by an ambiguous emoticon face) to your favorite fit women. When is the last time you talked to/hit on an Olympic athlete?

PS Remember this?

Maybe you should send @brandichastain a thank you. I’m just sayin’.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Dear Valentines Day, I dont gotta do anything!

Valentines Day, to me, is a cornerstone of the expectations of love. The first and only valentine I had was in 3rd grade (pause for reaction). Yes. In 3rd grade I was asked to be someone’s valentine, and it rocked my world. Yeah, it only lasted for a couple of weeks, but I still count it. Who wouldn’t? HA! That was then though. My childhood was filled with fanciful dreams, like every little girls childhood. Little girls are surrounded by hearts, flowers and kisses from practically the day their born. Its on their clothes, its on their backpacks, and in their hair. Around that age, it’s the first time there’s a possibility of having a valentine. The movies they see prepared them: how one finds love and exactly how magical it should be upon finding it. Give me a second to get my fan.

Let me give an example what messages like these can do to young girls. I had a friend, lets call her Jan. Before Jan got her first kiss, she dreamed about it… aloud. This is how she imagined it (dreamy haze). First, her and her dream man would return home from the most amazing date ever (probably involved being on a boat in a pond). While in his car they would lock eyes- BUT NO! Not here! He would break eye contact, jump out and hurry over to her side to open her door. He offers her his probably strong hand and she would slide out of his car like butter. They walk hand in hand to her front door, slowly, so they could make the moment under the sunset sky last as long as possible. Then, while each is gazing at the other, he lets go of her hand and starts to move it up. He brushes aside her perfect bangs and leans in slow, for the gentlest peck of a kiss that even a snowflake could have survived.

Needless to say, when she did get her first kiss (senior year) it didn’t happen that way for Jan. Just like when she walked in to prom, the DJ didn’t stop playing, everyone including the spotlight wasn’t focused her, and no one gasped. NOTE: These are her actual fantasies. Sorry, “Jan”.

Who am I to judge? I haven’t had a valentine since my first. Call me unlucky in love. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt the need to have one. Now I know what you’re saying. “She really is single.” I see how you could see it that way. My point is not the same as the rant and rave listed above. I've done "crazy in love" stuff; danced in the rain; had pillow fights; made gifts that took me months to make; gone to romantic dinners; stayed up all night talking about nothing; pre-planned “spontaneous road trips”; downed a case of champagne. I have done all of the above (plus all the other cliché Valentines Day gestures), with someone I love/d and NOT on Valentines Day. If it is really all about love, Valentines Day should be just another day. Which goes to show that Valentines Day can suck it, cause you should be sharing your love all year round. All it does is abuse expectations of love by dedicating a day to love. So while it should be just another day for couples in love, single people are the kids in class that aren’t getting any. Take that how you will. Someone that needs a holiday to show me they care, I don’t want.

So, Valentines Day, I don’t gotta do anything! I don’t need or want a man. Spare me your flowers, candy, cards, and jewelry. I’m not going to sit and wait for the phone to ring. I’m going to enjoy my Sunday giving all my love to someone who deserves it: my dog. She loves me every damn day no matter what. I guess the least I could do is give her one of my Sundays. I know what I said about the jewelry, but just in case, I’ll be at the park. Look for a brunette with a chocolate lab.



Sunday, February 7, 2010

Are YOU ready for some FOOTBALL?

The time has come (the walrus said)! The Super Bowl is here. I still have no idea what teams are playing, but I suppose I’ll end up watching it. I usually make it through to half time in order to watch the commercials that are supposed to rock, but usually don’t. Then there is the half time entertainment, which is usually hit or miss for me. THIS year however, I have found new halftime entertainment:

The Lingerie Football League! Where have you been all my life?

I’ve never heard of the LFL until I saw a short clip of a game. This isn’t powder puff ball. This is straight up taking a bitch down! These girls wear as much protection as they do clothes: very little. Take a look:

So if you’re looking for something with a little more booty shorts, and a little less dick, check out the Lingerie Football League airing during halftime on PPV for $9.95, or you can watch it live via the internet. Today’s game features the Los Angeles Temptations v the Chicago Bliss. I’m excited!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

PSA on PSL: Pocket-Sized Lesbians

I tweeted recently about one of my favorite things: POCKET-SIZED LESBIANS. A lot of my tweeps agreed with me there, but more than a couple of you had some questions about these fucking adorable munchkins. Yeah, I said it. Munchkins.
Reese Witherspoon is 5'2. Munchkin.

Straight to the good stuff. What makes one a pocket-sized lesbian? PSL's make you want to throw 'em in your pocket and carry 'em with you everywhere. I’m not exactly an official rule maker on this one (I still need to fill out the application) but I like to say anything 5’2 (without heels!) and under. Here is what makes it interesting: Pocket-sized lesbians usually tend to lie about their height. I know, I know. Like lying is going to Pinocchio their ass to 5’2! You wouldn't believe how many girls will throw that extra one or two inches in there. Honey, you don’t have to lie to me! You’re pocket size, and its nothing to be mad about... Lea Michele. You're a 5'2 PSL in the making... I choose to think.

Let me just be clear about this. There is a difference between a short lesbian, and a pocket-sized lesbian. You dont say "Awe!" when you see a short girl. A tiny woman you see and immediately wanted to pick up? Pocket-sized lesbian. Does she wear heels with everything and still only come up to your boobs? Pocket-sized. Don’t get me wrong here. PSL’s are petite women but petite women with huge personality; big enough you'll forget she’s shorter than you. Thats what really makes a PSL. You see, it isn’t just about the shortness- it’s what comes in the pocket-sized package. PSL’s tend to be the strongest, hardheaded, sassiest women I run into. Not to mention confidence for miles. Isn't confidence sexy? Plus they look fucking adorable in everything! I tend to forget how short my pocket-sized lesbians friends are, until we hug and she’s in my boobs, or I see her in a pea coat. Every time I see a PSL in a pea coat, I just want to grab her by the lapel and lift her up in the air, just because I can. Yeah, I'm talking to you 5'2 Amy Poehler!

So let her lie about those 2 little inches, cause a pocket-sized lesbian makes up for in every other way.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Blast from the Past

I would like to give you all an extra-special glimpse into my life. I have a pretty good sized record collection. It started as an innocent purchase, and now I have dedicated a wall to them. The first thing I see in the morning is this:

Out of all the interesting record covers acting as my wallpaper, this one steals my eye more than any other. Look at it! Who knew? There are so many things RIGHT with this photo that it should be a postage stamp or something. Look at those legs! I would like to use this photo to justify my wanting to bring back Keds. You don’t need the fro to pull it all off, but it helps. Not only that, but there is an entire spread of Babs in different poses sporting this little ensemble.

I mostly just wanted to share this with all of you; spread the butt-ah around. However, I thought I’d do a little searching for some other throw back hotties. For you:

I would wrestle with Rizzo

And who is this? Why thats Mary Tyler Moore. Lookin good MTM

Last but not least: Jane Fonda. Go on with your bad self.

Friday, January 8, 2010

I Encourage This

You know what I love doing? Dancing! You know what I'm terrible at? Dancing.

I surrender to music. If its got a beat- I'm movin'. Unfortunately I have yet to learn how to use my arms and legs at the same time. That doesn't stop me from seat-bumpin while driving around town. I tend to shake my butt... too much. Usually, it takes me a few margaritas before I'm down to get the friction on, and then there's no going back. Thats why I love it when I learn a dance move. Something easy enough that a dork like me could do it. It just so happens this one I'm about to show you, is pretty fun too. You have probably seen this already, but if you haven't- let me introduce you to

Shakira -- Give it Up to Me
(skip to 1:36)

Now, the official music video is chalk full of some great moves... for pulling a muscle. Your hips may not lie, Shakira, but mine aren't fooling anyone. Which is exactly why I love this little dance move that I've been doing since I saw it. Did you catch the shoulder leans into the pelvic WOOs (3:07-3:14)? Its seven seconds of gold. Its so easy and fun to boot! Hell, you can even do it while driving! If I can do it, girl I know you can!

I encourage pelvic woos. Do you not?! Everyone should be able to shake it out, whether they have rhythm or not. So watch this video a few times, download this song, and rock your living room, girl. Then the next time this hip shaker hits your ears (in public or not), put your hands on your hips and throw your business out there. If you don't listen to me, then for goodness sake listen to Nietzsche: “We should consider everyday lost in which we don't dance."

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Gahed Girl

Sandra Bullock

Does this make you feel good? Maybe thats why Miss Bullock took home the Peoples Choice Award for Favorite Movie Actress. I was going to count all the Bullock gold I own, but I'll just say she has her own shelf. Sandra Bullock is a bad ass! This past weekend I watched two of her movies: "The Proposal" and "All About Steve". I had been wanting to the see "The Proposal" if not for her then Betty White. Side Note: Whoever made that movie poster knows how to catch my eye. "All About Steve", I was concerned about, though I don't know why I ever doubted her. She never lets me down... even with that ending. She's a classic, okay?

Best of all: she's not going away! Peoples Choice is pretty literal. She trumped that broody girl from the "Twilight" series. Which is saying something considering she's like catnip for high schoolers. Anne Hathaway has grown on me in the past few years. She's got a smile for miles (plus there was that whole 99 thing). No comment for Drew. I was half-rooting for Jen Aniston; she'll be sexy till she ceases to exist, I'm assuming. How did Sandra do it? I'll tell you how. Girl can make driving a bus look sexy! Her makeup is like buttah. I know she can bring the drama, but its the sassy Sandra that I like. My favorite version of Sandra is best represented by "Miss Congeniality". I think I've given that movie about 200 hours of my life, and I don't regret it. If it comes on, I'm not gonna turn it! The scene where she walks out of the hanger post-makeover is worth it on its lonesome. Oh, and there are those two Golden Globes she's nominated for. So...

Gahed Girl!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Turn it Up

Music makes my world go round. I’ll listen to anything as long as it makes me feel something. Nothing is better than driving anywhere with a good playlist. I’m no Barbra and the only instrument I’ve ever got close to playing was the piano. A week into piano lessons, my elderly teacher died. I took it as a sign. Without any real musical talent, I can still respect and admire a good song when I hear it.

Sometimes I want to rock out, bang my head, and sing as loud as I can. Sometimes, I sob-sing (I’m not that hard). The best songs are the ones you can lose yourself in. I like my music loud. I want to swim in it. I cannot remember how I found her, but she owned my speakers for practically a year when I bought her album “The Story”. She makes me want to sing out loud- real loud!

Brandi Carlile

Woo that voice! Girl, I like it. She was singing about my life! Cliché? I used to belt “The Story”. If you’ve heard it, you know the part I’m talking about. I wonder what my year would have been like without her music… I digress. You might have heard her music on “Greys Anatomy”, but that really doesn’t do it justice. Have a listen! It’s a party for your ears. So your eyes don’t feel left out:

I don’t know if you noticed, but she’s got something else working for her too. EVERYTHING. Have you ever wanted to be a guitar?

To wrap it up: Brandi Carlile has mad feeling in her music. I was a huge fan of “The Story” when it came out and her latest album, “Give Up the Ghost”, is a keeper too. Check out the song “Dreams”. If you don’t toe tap, you might want to get that checked out.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Kickin it with Amy

WHAT a weekend! Winter is not being my friend. I’ll admit that I complain about cold weather too much, but I don’t enjoy getting bitched-slapped by the wind. While trying to avoid the unfortunate weather I ended up basking in the warmth of Amy Adams.

I saw two of her movies this weekend. First, I watched "The Night at the Museum 2" for the heck of it and got my moneys worth. Miss Adams plays Amelia Earhart, and I can dig it. Lets just say it’s a film where you’ll like what you see. Girl made me think Amelia Earhart was sexy! I mean, I literally googled “Amelia Earharts ass”. Here it is for you:

I would like to encourage more of this.

I was dying to see the second movie I watched: "Sunshine Cleaning". I’ll pretty much watch any Amy Adams movie, but I thought this movie was going to be funny, and fancy-free. Wrong. It was pretty emotional. I love Alan Arkin, and Emily Blunt was brilliant.
I suspect next weekend we’ll meet again at “Leap Year”. What can I say? I love what she brings to the table!