Sunday, June 26, 2011

Thank me later

So... I’m writing this on 3 jager bombs and a couple bourbon dr. peppers (ps. everyone always thinks this is a surprising drink combination. But really? If you like dr. pepper and don’t like coke, why would you NOT ask for dr. pepper? Every bar I go to, the bar tender always claims I’m the only one who orders those. So do it to it.).

My friend (straight sorority friend) told me (with a hint of judgment) that I should “take a break” from the bars. Now, I’m not a drinker, gang. In fact, anyone I know would tell you that I’d rather puff than drink. I don’t like beer. I don’t like alcohol as a beverage choice. If I drink—it’s to get drunk. HOWEVER I rarely get drunk. I digress. So, she thinks I should take a break from the bars.

At first I was a little offended by this. I thought she was calling me an alcoholic or something. When I first came out I depended a lot on the gay bars just to meet some new people. Now, I have a good group of friends and we branch out every now and then but we still find ourselves, week after week, at the gay bars.

I tried to explain to my friend that it’s the ONLY place I KNOW there will be gay people—or “Designated gay zone”. I said ,“Maybe if there were gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, I WOULD go to other places.” I don’t think straight people can understand. Every time I go to a straight bar I feel like I’m at a bus stop--just sitting waiting to go somewhere else. At this point I HATE being in a room of straight men. It drives me insane. Men either scare me or annoy the shit out of me, with the exception of my gay boys. I can’t stand the machismo of it all. Disgusting.

This is not to say that I hate the company of straight people. Although, ladies, let me just speak for every lesbian out there when I say WE HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE ABOUT ANYONES WEDDING. At my last birthday I invited all of my friends out and all of my straight friends sat around talking about one of our mutual friends wedding plans.

So what do we do? What DO we do? I’m getting tired of the gay bars, gang—same faces different night. In the past month I’ve had 5 of my regular friends move away or inform me that they’ll be moving by the end of the summer. That means THIS girl is in the market for new friends.

Trying to find a lesbian is challenging. Unless she tells you she’s a lesbian or looks like a lesbian, you’re shit out of luck. The day I came out to myself I was wishing lesbians wore T-shirts that said “LESBIAN”. I’ve always hung out with older women. I find the conversation more stimulating plus I like to learn from people and I figure woman of a certain age have to have some sort of knowledge in ‘em. I always say that I’m looking for the secret lesbian cave where all the lady lovers hang out but are never seen. All of my older lady friends say, “I’m still looking for it too.”

Fuck that, ladies! I’m tired of searching for something that doesn’t exist. There might not be gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, but there has to be an easier way to meet women! I’m going to start making “lady friendly” T shirts. That’s right! Finally, there will be a way to spot a lesbian from a distance! If she’s wearing one of my T’s, she’s down. Get ready, gang, cause it’s about to get… awesome.