Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Shout Out to Fit Women

I’m just going to be honest about it and tell you that the Olympics have officially taken over my life. I have no shame. I'll admit to watching something like (at least) 6 hours of coverage a day since the games began. I think I have officially spent more time watching the Olympics than sleeping. I’m even writing this while simultaneously catching up on figure skating. DVR is sometimes a curse.

I don’t feel bad about it. I’m AMERICAN. The Olympics is the greatest sporting event in the world. When an athlete goes down, it’s not a single athlete but an ENTIRE country. I cant count how many “Even the Russian judge is smiling!” jabs I’ve made in the past week. Seeing all the miniature flags on the screen, and waiting for the ol’ stars and stripes to start knockin’ ‘em down. Yelling at my TV as if someone besides my neighbors will hear me. I’m a yeller. Add that to the list of reasons why I shouldn’t attend the Olympics. That, and assuming I’d spend the whole trip looking for any women’s locker room are the main things keeping me from hopping the boarder for what Canada does best: Poutine.

Yes, I’m a yeller. Anyone who has a mother that can be heard distinctly from the outfield knows it’s not my fault. Being loud is sometimes a handicap, but luckily Twitter is handicap accessible. Twitter makes it possible for a couch critic like me to give my TV a break and tweet my shouts directly to your face, @catdeeley. I never thought about the Olympic athletes tweeting from the top of Whistler at the games, but they are!

One of my favorite Olympic tweeters is featured in of the many Olympic commercials. No, not one of those Morgan Freeman voice over VISA commercials that get to me every time. Maybe you too have seen it? The AT&T commercial featuring the GOR-geous American snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler. Am I the only one gets lost in that commercial? Not to mention Bleiler is…lets say captivating.

Don’t stare at her too long, you might go blind. Ooh that smile, girl! If you don’t know who she is, keep an eye out and remember that smile. Now, if you don’t know who Lindsey Vonn is you might be living under a rock. She has more coverage than Covergirl. If you’re a fan or you’ve happened to notice they’re both bangin fit you’ll be happy to know you can now holler @GretchenBleiler and @lindseyvonn on Twitter.

When it comes to making me proud to be an American, there’s also…the entire US Women’s Hockey Team. You might have seen them on Ellen. If you didn’t, just know that they really, really, really like Ellen. Why Ellen is still hosting her show and not enjoying locker room privileges is beyond me. If you are like me and wouldn’t turn down the chance to get physical with the US Hockey Team (or at least those Lamoureux twins) send your love through @AngelaRuggiero.

Ellen!? Lamoureux twins!

If you watch the gold medal game against Canada – you NEED to watch this game against Canada – you will see Ellen’s face flown by the American team upon winning. However it ends it will still be a great game. The kind of game I will be hoarse after. While fisticuffs aren’t aloud on the ice, this game is going to be intense and the two teams have had “scuffles” in the past.

Remember, if you cant be an athlete... be an athletic supporter. Shout your support (or subtle proposition followed by an ambiguous emoticon face) to your favorite fit women. When is the last time you talked to/hit on an Olympic athlete?

PS Remember this?

Maybe you should send @brandichastain a thank you. I’m just sayin’.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Dear Valentines Day, I dont gotta do anything!

Valentines Day, to me, is a cornerstone of the expectations of love. The first and only valentine I had was in 3rd grade (pause for reaction). Yes. In 3rd grade I was asked to be someone’s valentine, and it rocked my world. Yeah, it only lasted for a couple of weeks, but I still count it. Who wouldn’t? HA! That was then though. My childhood was filled with fanciful dreams, like every little girls childhood. Little girls are surrounded by hearts, flowers and kisses from practically the day their born. Its on their clothes, its on their backpacks, and in their hair. Around that age, it’s the first time there’s a possibility of having a valentine. The movies they see prepared them: how one finds love and exactly how magical it should be upon finding it. Give me a second to get my fan.

Let me give an example what messages like these can do to young girls. I had a friend, lets call her Jan. Before Jan got her first kiss, she dreamed about it… aloud. This is how she imagined it (dreamy haze). First, her and her dream man would return home from the most amazing date ever (probably involved being on a boat in a pond). While in his car they would lock eyes- BUT NO! Not here! He would break eye contact, jump out and hurry over to her side to open her door. He offers her his probably strong hand and she would slide out of his car like butter. They walk hand in hand to her front door, slowly, so they could make the moment under the sunset sky last as long as possible. Then, while each is gazing at the other, he lets go of her hand and starts to move it up. He brushes aside her perfect bangs and leans in slow, for the gentlest peck of a kiss that even a snowflake could have survived.

Needless to say, when she did get her first kiss (senior year) it didn’t happen that way for Jan. Just like when she walked in to prom, the DJ didn’t stop playing, everyone including the spotlight wasn’t focused her, and no one gasped. NOTE: These are her actual fantasies. Sorry, “Jan”.

Who am I to judge? I haven’t had a valentine since my first. Call me unlucky in love. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt the need to have one. Now I know what you’re saying. “She really is single.” I see how you could see it that way. My point is not the same as the rant and rave listed above. I've done "crazy in love" stuff; danced in the rain; had pillow fights; made gifts that took me months to make; gone to romantic dinners; stayed up all night talking about nothing; pre-planned “spontaneous road trips”; downed a case of champagne. I have done all of the above (plus all the other cliché Valentines Day gestures), with someone I love/d and NOT on Valentines Day. If it is really all about love, Valentines Day should be just another day. Which goes to show that Valentines Day can suck it, cause you should be sharing your love all year round. All it does is abuse expectations of love by dedicating a day to love. So while it should be just another day for couples in love, single people are the kids in class that aren’t getting any. Take that how you will. Someone that needs a holiday to show me they care, I don’t want.

So, Valentines Day, I don’t gotta do anything! I don’t need or want a man. Spare me your flowers, candy, cards, and jewelry. I’m not going to sit and wait for the phone to ring. I’m going to enjoy my Sunday giving all my love to someone who deserves it: my dog. She loves me every damn day no matter what. I guess the least I could do is give her one of my Sundays. I know what I said about the jewelry, but just in case, I’ll be at the park. Look for a brunette with a chocolate lab.



Sunday, February 7, 2010

Are YOU ready for some FOOTBALL?

The time has come (the walrus said)! The Super Bowl is here. I still have no idea what teams are playing, but I suppose I’ll end up watching it. I usually make it through to half time in order to watch the commercials that are supposed to rock, but usually don’t. Then there is the half time entertainment, which is usually hit or miss for me. THIS year however, I have found new halftime entertainment:

The Lingerie Football League! Where have you been all my life?

I’ve never heard of the LFL until I saw a short clip of a game. This isn’t powder puff ball. This is straight up taking a bitch down! These girls wear as much protection as they do clothes: very little. Take a look:

So if you’re looking for something with a little more booty shorts, and a little less dick, check out the Lingerie Football League airing during halftime on PPV for $9.95, or you can watch it live via the internet. Today’s game features the Los Angeles Temptations v the Chicago Bliss. I’m excited!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

PSA on PSL: Pocket-Sized Lesbians

I tweeted recently about one of my favorite things: POCKET-SIZED LESBIANS. A lot of my tweeps agreed with me there, but more than a couple of you had some questions about these fucking adorable munchkins. Yeah, I said it. Munchkins.
Reese Witherspoon is 5'2. Munchkin.

Straight to the good stuff. What makes one a pocket-sized lesbian? PSL's make you want to throw 'em in your pocket and carry 'em with you everywhere. I’m not exactly an official rule maker on this one (I still need to fill out the application) but I like to say anything 5’2 (without heels!) and under. Here is what makes it interesting: Pocket-sized lesbians usually tend to lie about their height. I know, I know. Like lying is going to Pinocchio their ass to 5’2! You wouldn't believe how many girls will throw that extra one or two inches in there. Honey, you don’t have to lie to me! You’re pocket size, and its nothing to be mad about... Lea Michele. You're a 5'2 PSL in the making... I choose to think.

Let me just be clear about this. There is a difference between a short lesbian, and a pocket-sized lesbian. You dont say "Awe!" when you see a short girl. A tiny woman you see and immediately wanted to pick up? Pocket-sized lesbian. Does she wear heels with everything and still only come up to your boobs? Pocket-sized. Don’t get me wrong here. PSL’s are petite women but petite women with huge personality; big enough you'll forget she’s shorter than you. Thats what really makes a PSL. You see, it isn’t just about the shortness- it’s what comes in the pocket-sized package. PSL’s tend to be the strongest, hardheaded, sassiest women I run into. Not to mention confidence for miles. Isn't confidence sexy? Plus they look fucking adorable in everything! I tend to forget how short my pocket-sized lesbians friends are, until we hug and she’s in my boobs, or I see her in a pea coat. Every time I see a PSL in a pea coat, I just want to grab her by the lapel and lift her up in the air, just because I can. Yeah, I'm talking to you 5'2 Amy Poehler!

So let her lie about those 2 little inches, cause a pocket-sized lesbian makes up for in every other way.