Dear Diary blog thingmajig,
It’s been a year since I last wrote you, and for that I truly am sorry. Consistency has never been a friend of mine. A year is a long ass time. Really. I’ve tried to remember everything that I’ve done during that time and it’s not happening. I will promise you this, blog… I am NO 40-something year old man pretending to be a lesbian! I enjoyed the anonymity of blogging when I first started it. I didn’t want anyone from my world finding out it was me. I’ve tried to make myself sound older, or wiser, but now I don’t care. Everyone who knows me knows I’m gay. If you like what I have to say, or how I say it, then it shouldn’t matter how old I am, or where I’m at in my life (as long as I’m actually a lesbian). So, now blog, I’m going to be honest blossom with you. I don’t really know how to prove it to you, but why would I make this shit up?
I started this blog as a way to express the gay Denae (that’s me). I had just come out to myself, not even to my family yet, but I was yearning to wave my flag. In the past year I’ve come out to everyone. I came out to both of my parents who both said they had figured it out back when I had that “interesting friendship” with my gym teacher. I came out to my catholic grandparents at Thanksgiving. I probably should have picked a better line than “I have something EXCITING to tell you!”…at a better time than 6 in the morning while they were both in their bathrobes… and the coffee was still brewin. Alas, everyone still loved me! Facebook knows I’m gay, and if twitter hasn’t figured out I’m gay… well… I mean, really?!
Once I had come out in real life, I jumped off of the computer and left you behind, blog. I had to meet women! I HAD to! It was all I could think about! I knew there was a gay bar or 3 in town and I was ready to introduce them to ME. My straight friends were so supportive of me (or intrigued enough) that they wanted to take me to the gay bars to celebrate my new lesbian-ness. We even went to a LADIES night! I was amped! Unfortunately, the night was a total bust. There were less than 30 women there, 7 of which were in my party of straight girls. The rest were in their… well… not my age (23), and my friends took the liberty of telling the MC that it was my “coming out party”. Oho. That was fun and not embarrassing at all.
After I got home, I cried while wondering what I got myself into. Is this what my future was? Growing old in denim and flannel, succumbing to the mullet, and spending my nights in a less than busy bar on the outskirts of town? I suppose you would call that a “forever alone” moment.
BUT I dried those tears, blog. I made my first lesbian friend, Liz (because of course). Liz and I met online. (Side note: If you aren’t online dating at the moment and you’re wanting to meet women, JUMP ON IT! Online dating for the LGBT community is a gift. Unless a woman tells you she’s a lesbian, or LOOKS like a lesbian, we’re all left staring into our drinks or harassing straight women. Do us ALL a favor, and make a profile, even if it only be for friend finding. YOU KNOW your circle could use some fresh air.)
Liz and I weren’t attracted to each other. We were just glad we could find normal people online, plus we laughed a lot together so we decided to stay friends. One night I met her for a drink after work and we ended up closing the bar down with 20 brand new friends. They became our regular group and summer was SUPER gay. Too gay to remember.
In the fall I took the first ever LGBT class offered at my college. Our professor was bisexual (heavy on the women), and the class was something like 95% gay, which meant that class was a HOOT. It felt like a gay bar, for serious. In fact, the last day of class was held IN a gay bar. Fantastic. I met some incredible people, including my best friend (@homoontherange), and others who shared some of their most personal stories with the class. I’ll remember that forever.
One girl stands out. She went to high school at the same time I did on the other side of town. Once the administrative staff at her high school found out she was gay they tried to have her transferred to a facility for persons with mental disorders and even had her evaluated by the facility. The facility informed the high school that homosexuality was not a mental disorder; therefore they would NOT be admitting this girl. The school then countered by placing her in special education until she graduated. This was happening round about 2003.
When she told her story I cried. I had been thinking that I had missed out on being gay in high school. All of those teenage girls! Then, I started thinking of all those times I got sent to the principals’ office in high school--all of the slaps on my wrist. I wondered if, had I been gay, I would have been labeled as a “troubled teen”?
This was around the time when “It Gets Better” videos started appearing. It’s also when one of my friends I met over the summer committed suicide. Kerry was beautiful- more than beautiful. When she walked in it was instantly easier to breathe. She always arrived with an entourage. She always had a smile on her face, and I’m not just saying that. I had asked her maybe 2 weeks before she died why she was always smiling. She told me, “I never want to be the one who brings people down.” Sad. I don’t think we’ll ever really know WHY she did it. It’s hard for me to imagine the happiest person I knew being the most damaged.
A few months after Kerry died I started seeing a therapist at my University. Figured I’d take advantage of the cheap sessions, plus my therapist looked like a Barbie doll and was hilarious. She’d say funny things like she was going to check out my ex on facebook after I left. Plus she let me call her “Therapist” instead of her name, like “Scientist” in “Half Baked”. Unfortunately the university therapists are only around for like a semester or something so she moved away... the same week I got dumped by the first woman I liked after coming out in this godforsaken town. An exhausting devil woman--the kind of woman that banters--an educated woman… a professor. She did her damage. That debacle lasted for too long considering it wasn’t worth it. Nothing like a woman 10 years your senior defriending you on facebook… but I digress. I asked Therapist if there was another therapist she recommended, and she told me “We had a connection and it was fun. You were my favorite! But you don’t need therapy. You DO need to go to Career Services.”
REAL time! I’m currently… sort of… kind of… failing out of college at the moment, blog. I have no idea what to do with my life, and after 4 years of college, and 3 professors trying to jump on this… I’m not any closer. So I listened to Therapist, and went to Career Services at the University. I didn’t know what they did there so I plainly said, “I don’t know what I’m here to do, but I’m here to do it.” They gave me some aptitude tests, which came to the conclusion that my number one skill was SOCIAL. I didn’t even know that social was a "skill".
All of my life I had been told to be quiet, more reserved, more “lady like”. HELL I even had to sit by myself in chapel because I “distracted the other kids from worshiping.” But THIS was what my career adviser had to say:
“I don’t typically tell people this…but maybe you shouldn’t go to college.”
This is where I would have crapped my pants, but before I could, it got better:
“Have you ever thought about becoming an entertainer?”
she asked while a tear came rolling down my cheek from the laughter I was stifling. Was my career adviser telling me to drop out and become and entertainer? Surely not... BUT SHE DID!
I’m doing my best here, blog. I’ve sought guidance, I even ask strangers for advice, but nobody knows. I have no idea where my life is going, or what (if anything) I SHOULD be doing. But dammit! I’m here! It will get better. The least I can do is live and see what time brings my way. I know time took me away from you, blog, but I’m back! I’M BACK! … to entertain you.
I'll leave with you with Kerry Lynns last message to everyone