A few years ago, I went through my first collegiate breakdown. Not really a breakdown. Let's be honest here. We live in the year 2011. Very few people are given the chance to see me cry. I typically save my drama for the home as I think many people do. We're so guarded and we carry so much on our beautiful lady shoulders. We're afraid to ask for help. Afraid to take chances. Afraid to let go of whatever we have so we can't move on. At least all of these things ring true for me.
Let me go back.
My first collegiate breakdown. Have you ever been inside your own head until you realize you haven't spoke for hours? I was getting kicked out of the sorority I had been a member of for 3 years. And my best friend was the one spearheading the whole thing. The whole time this was happening I couldn't let go of our friendship. Not until the very end. Two days after my 21st birthday I was kicked out. When she told me that my membership was terminated...that pageant girl cried... and I told her it was okay. Even after she stood up in front of my sorority and tried to convince them to to vote for my termination. Even now, sometimes I think of calling her to see how she is. See if she's okay. I have to stop myself and remind myself that it's not good. Never trust a pageant girl! Even before I was kicked out our friendship had died. I remember car rides of solid silence. Not a word. Not in an angry way. Just in an "I don't know who you are anymore" kind of way. All very dramatic right. Real dramatic. WICKED dramatic right?!?! Just call me El.
Anyways my sorority sisters/friends had my back and voted to NOT KICK ME OUT! Hooray! But wait, didn't I get kicked out? Indeed! Old sorority ladies got together somewhere in the U.S. and looked at "my file". They decided termination was best the way to go. Apparently, shenanigans on other sororities and the university student body president, and showing up drunk to a dance are not acceptable. I always wanted to be kicked out of somewhere, but for some reason I always imagined it being a WalMart.
So now you know why I was at the therapist freaking out. I lost every friend I knew, including my best friend. After all this he told me I needed to "find a support system". Yeah. Okay. Basically, I ended up hiding out in my house for a year afraid to even attempt to make a new friend. I knew damn near everyone in the Greek system. When you know that many people it seems like you know everyone and I was kicked off Greek island.
I started the blog as a way of coming out. I started my twitter as a way to voice my every thought without a care in the world. I share with all of you what I was afraid to share with everyone I personally knew. I wanted to enjoy everything without the opinions I didn't need. I wanted to make this as positive an experience as it could be.
As it turns out, something else happened when I did those things! I found a new island. I found a big gay lesbian support system island. I found a beautiful island where we can get together, because we are together, without being together? Sounds about right.
My point is this, I find that no matter how alone I think I am in something, every time I share something with you gang, you have a similar experience/feeling/point of view. It's comforting to know you're not alone in something, isn't it? It's comforting to know that someone else has had a similar experience and made it through.
You guys are MY support group.
I can tell you anything! You can tell me anything! I love hearing from you guys. Every time I hear from you, I get to know you a little more. Every time I hear from one of you guys it makes me makes me want to DO something amazing! Instant motivation. Seriously.
Big Gay Lesbian Support System on Motivation Island!
I was lost, but now I'm on the island. I'm moving forward. You guys helped me see that I don't need to find a path. I need to make a path for myself. I need to forget about what everyone else is doing or what has happened in the past. I need to keep on going and be positive because I'm not alone! You're coming with me, right gang? You'll get to read about my adventure on my new path! Otherwise, I'm just typing into nothingness and that's depressing and I would never do something like that.
I know you guys are reading this. I want to hear from you. I want to know something about you. It was you guys that motivated me to do this whole shirt thing to begin with and I want to thank you! Sincerely. I wish I could make a shirt for all of you. A way that I can thank each and every one of you!
Then I got an idea from gangs motivation!
I could put all of my twitter followers on a shirt! I could! I'm gonna do that! But wait! Maybe (just like how not everyone loves kittens. I know. I know. I didn't believe it either) someone might not want their twitter name on a shirt. I don't know why they wouldn't. Maybe...I dunno...I really can't think of why someone wouldn't want their twitter name on shirt. I mean...there's a bit of a chance it might be kinda gay...cause I'm gay...and I make LGBT friendly shirts. I'm not saying it's gonna be gay. It might. Probably. A bit. I mean. Most of my followers are LGBT...and it's gonna be made out of their twitter names...so...
You do know this is a lesbian blog. Don't you?
Moving on. You should let me thank you by allowing me to use your twitter name in my next T shirt design!
YOU DO WANT TO BE ON MY NEXT AWESOME SHIRT?
That's a great choice! Your name is gonna be on a shirt my friend! Jump on over to twitter and let me know that you wanna be on my awesome shirt! Also, if you want to tell me something about yourself you should! Anything you want to say, anytime, I'll hear it! PLUS, I'll probably give my *cleverest shout back.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ON AN AWESOME SHIRT?
WHY?
OK!
You should give me a shout anyway. I love to meet new people! Especially ones that like me.
I'll keep you posted on the shirt! I'm excited to see how it turns out!
I hope you can dig it!
*not all responses will be clever but all will be pleasant
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thank me later
So... I’m writing this on 3 jager bombs and a couple bourbon dr. peppers (ps. everyone always thinks this is a surprising drink combination. But really? If you like dr. pepper and don’t like coke, why would you NOT ask for dr. pepper? Every bar I go to, the bar tender always claims I’m the only one who orders those. So do it to it.).
My friend (straight sorority friend) told me (with a hint of judgment) that I should “take a break” from the bars. Now, I’m not a drinker, gang. In fact, anyone I know would tell you that I’d rather puff than drink. I don’t like beer. I don’t like alcohol as a beverage choice. If I drink—it’s to get drunk. HOWEVER I rarely get drunk. I digress. So, she thinks I should take a break from the bars.
At first I was a little offended by this. I thought she was calling me an alcoholic or something. When I first came out I depended a lot on the gay bars just to meet some new people. Now, I have a good group of friends and we branch out every now and then but we still find ourselves, week after week, at the gay bars.
I tried to explain to my friend that it’s the ONLY place I KNOW there will be gay people—or “Designated gay zone”. I said ,“Maybe if there were gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, I WOULD go to other places.” I don’t think straight people can understand. Every time I go to a straight bar I feel like I’m at a bus stop--just sitting waiting to go somewhere else. At this point I HATE being in a room of straight men. It drives me insane. Men either scare me or annoy the shit out of me, with the exception of my gay boys. I can’t stand the machismo of it all. Disgusting.
This is not to say that I hate the company of straight people. Although, ladies, let me just speak for every lesbian out there when I say WE HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE ABOUT ANYONES WEDDING. At my last birthday I invited all of my friends out and all of my straight friends sat around talking about one of our mutual friends wedding plans.
So what do we do? What DO we do? I’m getting tired of the gay bars, gang—same faces different night. In the past month I’ve had 5 of my regular friends move away or inform me that they’ll be moving by the end of the summer. That means THIS girl is in the market for new friends.
Trying to find a lesbian is challenging. Unless she tells you she’s a lesbian or looks like a lesbian, you’re shit out of luck. The day I came out to myself I was wishing lesbians wore T-shirts that said “LESBIAN”. I’ve always hung out with older women. I find the conversation more stimulating plus I like to learn from people and I figure woman of a certain age have to have some sort of knowledge in ‘em. I always say that I’m looking for the secret lesbian cave where all the lady lovers hang out but are never seen. All of my older lady friends say, “I’m still looking for it too.”
Fuck that, ladies! I’m tired of searching for something that doesn’t exist. There might not be gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, but there has to be an easier way to meet women! I’m going to start making “lady friendly” T shirts. That’s right! Finally, there will be a way to spot a lesbian from a distance! If she’s wearing one of my T’s, she’s down. Get ready, gang, cause it’s about to get… awesome.
My friend (straight sorority friend) told me (with a hint of judgment) that I should “take a break” from the bars. Now, I’m not a drinker, gang. In fact, anyone I know would tell you that I’d rather puff than drink. I don’t like beer. I don’t like alcohol as a beverage choice. If I drink—it’s to get drunk. HOWEVER I rarely get drunk. I digress. So, she thinks I should take a break from the bars.
At first I was a little offended by this. I thought she was calling me an alcoholic or something. When I first came out I depended a lot on the gay bars just to meet some new people. Now, I have a good group of friends and we branch out every now and then but we still find ourselves, week after week, at the gay bars.
I tried to explain to my friend that it’s the ONLY place I KNOW there will be gay people—or “Designated gay zone”. I said ,“Maybe if there were gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, I WOULD go to other places.” I don’t think straight people can understand. Every time I go to a straight bar I feel like I’m at a bus stop--just sitting waiting to go somewhere else. At this point I HATE being in a room of straight men. It drives me insane. Men either scare me or annoy the shit out of me, with the exception of my gay boys. I can’t stand the machismo of it all. Disgusting.
This is not to say that I hate the company of straight people. Although, ladies, let me just speak for every lesbian out there when I say WE HAVE NO FUCKS TO GIVE ABOUT ANYONES WEDDING. At my last birthday I invited all of my friends out and all of my straight friends sat around talking about one of our mutual friends wedding plans.
So what do we do? What DO we do? I’m getting tired of the gay bars, gang—same faces different night. In the past month I’ve had 5 of my regular friends move away or inform me that they’ll be moving by the end of the summer. That means THIS girl is in the market for new friends.
Trying to find a lesbian is challenging. Unless she tells you she’s a lesbian or looks like a lesbian, you’re shit out of luck. The day I came out to myself I was wishing lesbians wore T-shirts that said “LESBIAN”. I’ve always hung out with older women. I find the conversation more stimulating plus I like to learn from people and I figure woman of a certain age have to have some sort of knowledge in ‘em. I always say that I’m looking for the secret lesbian cave where all the lady lovers hang out but are never seen. All of my older lady friends say, “I’m still looking for it too.”
Fuck that, ladies! I’m tired of searching for something that doesn’t exist. There might not be gay restaurants or gay movie theaters, but there has to be an easier way to meet women! I’m going to start making “lady friendly” T shirts. That’s right! Finally, there will be a way to spot a lesbian from a distance! If she’s wearing one of my T’s, she’s down. Get ready, gang, cause it’s about to get… awesome.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A YEAR
Dear Diary blog thingmajig,
It’s been a year since I last wrote you, and for that I truly am sorry. Consistency has never been a friend of mine. A year is a long ass time. Really. I’ve tried to remember everything that I’ve done during that time and it’s not happening. I will promise you this, blog… I am NO 40-something year old man pretending to be a lesbian! I enjoyed the anonymity of blogging when I first started it. I didn’t want anyone from my world finding out it was me. I’ve tried to make myself sound older, or wiser, but now I don’t care. Everyone who knows me knows I’m gay. If you like what I have to say, or how I say it, then it shouldn’t matter how old I am, or where I’m at in my life (as long as I’m actually a lesbian). So, now blog, I’m going to be honest blossom with you. I don’t really know how to prove it to you, but why would I make this shit up?
My Story
I started this blog as a way to express the gay Denae (that’s me). I had just come out to myself, not even to my family yet, but I was yearning to wave my flag. In the past year I’ve come out to everyone. I came out to both of my parents who both said they had figured it out back when I had that “interesting friendship” with my gym teacher. I came out to my catholic grandparents at Thanksgiving. I probably should have picked a better line than “I have something EXCITING to tell you!”…at a better time than 6 in the morning while they were both in their bathrobes… and the coffee was still brewin. Alas, everyone still loved me! Facebook knows I’m gay, and if twitter hasn’t figured out I’m gay… well… I mean, really?!
Once I had come out in real life, I jumped off of the computer and left you behind, blog. I had to meet women! I HAD to! It was all I could think about! I knew there was a gay bar or 3 in town and I was ready to introduce them to ME. My straight friends were so supportive of me (or intrigued enough) that they wanted to take me to the gay bars to celebrate my new lesbian-ness. We even went to a LADIES night! I was amped! Unfortunately, the night was a total bust. There were less than 30 women there, 7 of which were in my party of straight girls. The rest were in their… well… not my age (23), and my friends took the liberty of telling the MC that it was my “coming out party”. Oho. That was fun and not embarrassing at all.
After I got home, I cried while wondering what I got myself into. Is this what my future was? Growing old in denim and flannel, succumbing to the mullet, and spending my nights in a less than busy bar on the outskirts of town? I suppose you would call that a “forever alone” moment.
BUT I dried those tears, blog. I made my first lesbian friend, Liz (because of course). Liz and I met online. (Side note: If you aren’t online dating at the moment and you’re wanting to meet women, JUMP ON IT! Online dating for the LGBT community is a gift. Unless a woman tells you she’s a lesbian, or LOOKS like a lesbian, we’re all left staring into our drinks or harassing straight women. Do us ALL a favor, and make a profile, even if it only be for friend finding. YOU KNOW your circle could use some fresh air.)
Liz and I weren’t attracted to each other. We were just glad we could find normal people online, plus we laughed a lot together so we decided to stay friends. One night I met her for a drink after work and we ended up closing the bar down with 20 brand new friends. They became our regular group and summer was SUPER gay. Too gay to remember.
In the fall I took the first ever LGBT class offered at my college. Our professor was bisexual (heavy on the women), and the class was something like 95% gay, which meant that class was a HOOT. It felt like a gay bar, for serious. In fact, the last day of class was held IN a gay bar. Fantastic. I met some incredible people, including my best friend (@homoontherange), and others who shared some of their most personal stories with the class. I’ll remember that forever.
One girl stands out. She went to high school at the same time I did on the other side of town. Once the administrative staff at her high school found out she was gay they tried to have her transferred to a facility for persons with mental disorders and even had her evaluated by the facility. The facility informed the high school that homosexuality was not a mental disorder; therefore they would NOT be admitting this girl. The school then countered by placing her in special education until she graduated. This was happening round about 2003.
When she told her story I cried. I had been thinking that I had missed out on being gay in high school. All of those teenage girls! Then, I started thinking of all those times I got sent to the principals’ office in high school--all of the slaps on my wrist. I wondered if, had I been gay, I would have been labeled as a “troubled teen”?
This was around the time when “It Gets Better” videos started appearing. It’s also when one of my friends I met over the summer committed suicide. Kerry was beautiful- more than beautiful. When she walked in it was instantly easier to breathe. She always arrived with an entourage. She always had a smile on her face, and I’m not just saying that. I had asked her maybe 2 weeks before she died why she was always smiling. She told me, “I never want to be the one who brings people down.” Sad. I don’t think we’ll ever really know WHY she did it. It’s hard for me to imagine the happiest person I knew being the most damaged.
A few months after Kerry died I started seeing a therapist at my University. Figured I’d take advantage of the cheap sessions, plus my therapist looked like a Barbie doll and was hilarious. She’d say funny things like she was going to check out my ex on facebook after I left. Plus she let me call her “Therapist” instead of her name, like “Scientist” in “Half Baked”. Unfortunately the university therapists are only around for like a semester or something so she moved away... the same week I got dumped by the first woman I liked after coming out in this godforsaken town. An exhausting devil woman--the kind of woman that banters--an educated woman… a professor. She did her damage. That debacle lasted for too long considering it wasn’t worth it. Nothing like a woman 10 years your senior defriending you on facebook… but I digress. I asked Therapist if there was another therapist she recommended, and she told me “We had a connection and it was fun. You were my favorite! But you don’t need therapy. You DO need to go to Career Services.”
REAL time! I’m currently… sort of… kind of… failing out of college at the moment, blog. I have no idea what to do with my life, and after 4 years of college, and 3 professors trying to jump on this… I’m not any closer. So I listened to Therapist, and went to Career Services at the University. I didn’t know what they did there so I plainly said, “I don’t know what I’m here to do, but I’m here to do it.” They gave me some aptitude tests, which came to the conclusion that my number one skill was SOCIAL. I didn’t even know that social was a "skill".
All of my life I had been told to be quiet, more reserved, more “lady like”. HELL I even had to sit by myself in chapel because I “distracted the other kids from worshiping.” But THIS was what my career adviser had to say:
“I don’t typically tell people this…but maybe you shouldn’t go to college.”
This is where I would have crapped my pants, but before I could, it got better:
“Have you ever thought about becoming an entertainer?”
she asked while a tear came rolling down my cheek from the laughter I was stifling. Was my career adviser telling me to drop out and become and entertainer? Surely not... BUT SHE DID!
I’m doing my best here, blog. I’ve sought guidance, I even ask strangers for advice, but nobody knows. I have no idea where my life is going, or what (if anything) I SHOULD be doing. But dammit! I’m here! It will get better. The least I can do is live and see what time brings my way. I know time took me away from you, blog, but I’m back! I’M BACK! … to entertain you.
I'll leave with you with Kerry Lynns last message to everyone
It’s been a year since I last wrote you, and for that I truly am sorry. Consistency has never been a friend of mine. A year is a long ass time. Really. I’ve tried to remember everything that I’ve done during that time and it’s not happening. I will promise you this, blog… I am NO 40-something year old man pretending to be a lesbian! I enjoyed the anonymity of blogging when I first started it. I didn’t want anyone from my world finding out it was me. I’ve tried to make myself sound older, or wiser, but now I don’t care. Everyone who knows me knows I’m gay. If you like what I have to say, or how I say it, then it shouldn’t matter how old I am, or where I’m at in my life (as long as I’m actually a lesbian). So, now blog, I’m going to be honest blossom with you. I don’t really know how to prove it to you, but why would I make this shit up?
My Story
I started this blog as a way to express the gay Denae (that’s me). I had just come out to myself, not even to my family yet, but I was yearning to wave my flag. In the past year I’ve come out to everyone. I came out to both of my parents who both said they had figured it out back when I had that “interesting friendship” with my gym teacher. I came out to my catholic grandparents at Thanksgiving. I probably should have picked a better line than “I have something EXCITING to tell you!”…at a better time than 6 in the morning while they were both in their bathrobes… and the coffee was still brewin. Alas, everyone still loved me! Facebook knows I’m gay, and if twitter hasn’t figured out I’m gay… well… I mean, really?!
Once I had come out in real life, I jumped off of the computer and left you behind, blog. I had to meet women! I HAD to! It was all I could think about! I knew there was a gay bar or 3 in town and I was ready to introduce them to ME. My straight friends were so supportive of me (or intrigued enough) that they wanted to take me to the gay bars to celebrate my new lesbian-ness. We even went to a LADIES night! I was amped! Unfortunately, the night was a total bust. There were less than 30 women there, 7 of which were in my party of straight girls. The rest were in their… well… not my age (23), and my friends took the liberty of telling the MC that it was my “coming out party”. Oho. That was fun and not embarrassing at all.
After I got home, I cried while wondering what I got myself into. Is this what my future was? Growing old in denim and flannel, succumbing to the mullet, and spending my nights in a less than busy bar on the outskirts of town? I suppose you would call that a “forever alone” moment.
BUT I dried those tears, blog. I made my first lesbian friend, Liz (because of course). Liz and I met online. (Side note: If you aren’t online dating at the moment and you’re wanting to meet women, JUMP ON IT! Online dating for the LGBT community is a gift. Unless a woman tells you she’s a lesbian, or LOOKS like a lesbian, we’re all left staring into our drinks or harassing straight women. Do us ALL a favor, and make a profile, even if it only be for friend finding. YOU KNOW your circle could use some fresh air.)
Liz and I weren’t attracted to each other. We were just glad we could find normal people online, plus we laughed a lot together so we decided to stay friends. One night I met her for a drink after work and we ended up closing the bar down with 20 brand new friends. They became our regular group and summer was SUPER gay. Too gay to remember.
In the fall I took the first ever LGBT class offered at my college. Our professor was bisexual (heavy on the women), and the class was something like 95% gay, which meant that class was a HOOT. It felt like a gay bar, for serious. In fact, the last day of class was held IN a gay bar. Fantastic. I met some incredible people, including my best friend (@homoontherange), and others who shared some of their most personal stories with the class. I’ll remember that forever.
One girl stands out. She went to high school at the same time I did on the other side of town. Once the administrative staff at her high school found out she was gay they tried to have her transferred to a facility for persons with mental disorders and even had her evaluated by the facility. The facility informed the high school that homosexuality was not a mental disorder; therefore they would NOT be admitting this girl. The school then countered by placing her in special education until she graduated. This was happening round about 2003.
When she told her story I cried. I had been thinking that I had missed out on being gay in high school. All of those teenage girls! Then, I started thinking of all those times I got sent to the principals’ office in high school--all of the slaps on my wrist. I wondered if, had I been gay, I would have been labeled as a “troubled teen”?
This was around the time when “It Gets Better” videos started appearing. It’s also when one of my friends I met over the summer committed suicide. Kerry was beautiful- more than beautiful. When she walked in it was instantly easier to breathe. She always arrived with an entourage. She always had a smile on her face, and I’m not just saying that. I had asked her maybe 2 weeks before she died why she was always smiling. She told me, “I never want to be the one who brings people down.” Sad. I don’t think we’ll ever really know WHY she did it. It’s hard for me to imagine the happiest person I knew being the most damaged.
A few months after Kerry died I started seeing a therapist at my University. Figured I’d take advantage of the cheap sessions, plus my therapist looked like a Barbie doll and was hilarious. She’d say funny things like she was going to check out my ex on facebook after I left. Plus she let me call her “Therapist” instead of her name, like “Scientist” in “Half Baked”. Unfortunately the university therapists are only around for like a semester or something so she moved away... the same week I got dumped by the first woman I liked after coming out in this godforsaken town. An exhausting devil woman--the kind of woman that banters--an educated woman… a professor. She did her damage. That debacle lasted for too long considering it wasn’t worth it. Nothing like a woman 10 years your senior defriending you on facebook… but I digress. I asked Therapist if there was another therapist she recommended, and she told me “We had a connection and it was fun. You were my favorite! But you don’t need therapy. You DO need to go to Career Services.”
REAL time! I’m currently… sort of… kind of… failing out of college at the moment, blog. I have no idea what to do with my life, and after 4 years of college, and 3 professors trying to jump on this… I’m not any closer. So I listened to Therapist, and went to Career Services at the University. I didn’t know what they did there so I plainly said, “I don’t know what I’m here to do, but I’m here to do it.” They gave me some aptitude tests, which came to the conclusion that my number one skill was SOCIAL. I didn’t even know that social was a "skill".
All of my life I had been told to be quiet, more reserved, more “lady like”. HELL I even had to sit by myself in chapel because I “distracted the other kids from worshiping.” But THIS was what my career adviser had to say:
“I don’t typically tell people this…but maybe you shouldn’t go to college.”
This is where I would have crapped my pants, but before I could, it got better:
“Have you ever thought about becoming an entertainer?”
she asked while a tear came rolling down my cheek from the laughter I was stifling. Was my career adviser telling me to drop out and become and entertainer? Surely not... BUT SHE DID!
I’m doing my best here, blog. I’ve sought guidance, I even ask strangers for advice, but nobody knows. I have no idea where my life is going, or what (if anything) I SHOULD be doing. But dammit! I’m here! It will get better. The least I can do is live and see what time brings my way. I know time took me away from you, blog, but I’m back! I’M BACK! … to entertain you.
I'll leave with you with Kerry Lynns last message to everyone
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